The Meaning of Life and Other Weird Theories

Ah, I just like college life; you sleep, you eat, you drink, you procrastinate, you turn in papers, and sometimes, if you are awake enough, you may learn something. I just like the morning classes; I am always at least 5 minutes late. Not only am I late, but half asleep as well, because I don’t drink coffee in the mornings. I have this weird theory that if your drink coffee, since it is a kind of a drug, you will end up increasing the amount as days pass, until the point where you become one of the people who own one of those super sized mugs, and take it with you whenever you go. I don’t know, but I just might be a little bit too paranoid.

As I was half asleep in one of my morning classes, I heard the professor explain something, and it made sense. People, I am proud to present you with the meaning of life; I’m not joking. Thanks to my superb thinking, I came up with the simplified version of my theory represented in a universal language – numbers. Before you read the following lines, please sit down, if you are standing, stop the car engine if you are driving, and turn the music down, because you may experience increased brain activity. The meaning of life is a simple ratio of 53%-47% (where 53% represents good things and 47% represents bad things). Ok, you may continue driving now; because the risk of brain collapse has ended (I have no idea who would be reading Tower while driving). As you can see my friends, your life is but a set of numbers. Everyday, you fight to keep the dynamic equilibrium as stabile as possible trying to get good things and avoid bad things. Let’s get an example to illustrate my theory. Let’s say you have a paper due for Friday; you don’t care, and decide to procrastinate until Thursday (you got something good); you realize that it is Thursday, and that you must write your paper, otherwise you will get a bad grade, so you frustrate little bit about it (get something bad), and start typing the paper (avoid good time of procrastination), in order not to get a bad grade (avoiding something bad). If this doesn’t make sense, and confuses the hell out of you, its okay, you will get it eventually; just keep in mind the magical numbers 53-47. (Sources for my discovery: morning Intro to Psych class, couple of weeks ago).

Now let me tell you something about this other theory of mine. I like to call it “Titi’s theory of campus time relativity”, according to which, there are ripples in space time continuum surrounding Graceland’s entire campus, resulting in different “time-zones” in different parts of campus. This can be proven by observing different clocks around campus, at the same time: they all show different times (some are 5 minutes ahead, while others are 5 minutes late). Furthermore, since clocks that we have are atomic clocks and are supposed to automatically set themselves, we can say that they all show the right time, and that it is the fault of the deformation in space-time that is causing all the trouble. This would be the reason why I always am 5 minutes late for my morning classes; they are all located in different “relative campus time frames”. There is only one solution to the problem: Instead of trying to set the clocks themselves, we have to remodel the entire space-time continuum, so that all of the clocks match each other. In this way, we not only solve the problem, but we contribute to future generations, who will never have to work about setting their “atomic” clocks again.

An Innocent Insight into Forbidden Fruit in Liquid Form

(This article is “pure” “fiction”, and doesn’t portray opinions of Tower or its staff members, as such it holds only entertainment values, and under no circumstances should it be used for illegal instructive purposes of any kind)

It’s nearly approaching my second thanksgiving in America, and I’m still getting surprised from day to day by interesting things one sees and experiences here. One thing I always found intriguing but never quite understood is that nearly everybody (figuratively speaking) seems to drink regardless of the drinking age being 21. Furthermore, in spite of the fact that a big number of people drink, there still is a group of people who won’t admit that this kind of phenomenon even exists. Let’s hope that until the end of my college career, I will come with a satisfactory answer to my questions, but for the moment, I will just stick to the good old Galilean techniques, i.e. just observe and collect facts.

Since I just can’t resist making hypothesis, here are some concerned with the reasons why students drink (according to their academic status). Freshmen drink out of pressure for trying to be cool and blend in with the new environment. They try and earn upper classmen’s respect by showing them their drinking and puking abilities. Sophomores drink because after one year of college they changed, “broadening” their horizons in the way of seeing the world from different perspective. Here you will find people who were against alcohol all their lives, drinking a glass or two occasionally just for the sake of culture and customs. Juniors drink because of the stress they experience with their classes. “What other ways are there in a little place like this for stress relief during boring weekends?” is their motto. Seniors drink only because they were drinking throughout their entire college carrier, and now they can’t stop no matter what.

Somebody reading this article would ask: where do all these people drink then? Well, different people drink at different places. If you are 21 and/or over you drink at the Bar (which is always kind of fun, because you can enjoy getting into fights in which you rarely remember the motive that started them). On the other hand, people under 21 frequent different “houses” (we will talk about them in a moment). Then, there are streets of Lamoni, for those dumb enough to get caught by “Lamoni Law Enforcement Agency”. Risktakers prefer parking lots; while those who are brave enough drink in their dorm rooms. As they say: “when there’s a will, there’s always a way!”

I find it funny how people find different ways for entertainment in a place like this. Parties are generally held in private houses, which according to my observations, I would characterize in the following way. Party house is a place where all the girls you like hang out. Keg House is the one where there’s free beer from the keg for everyone. BOB House is the one where you have to bring your own beer. This one sucks for people who are used to drink for free. There’s no chance that you are going to get a drink, no matter how innocent and altruistic that one girl looks; nothing’s free nowadays. “Insert-name-of-the-sport” House is the one where athletes of a certain sport gather to drink their worries. Wannabe House is a new party place, still not popular enough for people to visit it regularly. Small Social Gathering House is the place where people who are not supposed to drink hang out.

Every house has different “rules” for entertainment while being drunk. Some keep track of drunken thoughts of their mates, compiling endless lists of their drunken quotes. Others play videogames when drunk; they say it’s a totally different experience. Others prefer to go and play drunken soccer or drunken golf, depending on the sport they fancy. Well, I must say that entertainment depends on which dunk stereotype category one falls into. There are philosophical drunks, who just like talking for hours about complex issues. Creative drunks are the ones who get inspired and write poems. Angry drunks are always ready for a fight. Funny drunks are just funny and they make fun of the “puke-all-over-the-place drunks”. Melancholy drunks are crying over their lost love, while miserable drunks are just depressing to be around. The last, but not the least, there is the designated driver, who just watches all these characters, and makes sure they arrive alive in their rooms. At least he/she is aware of is what really going on; what about you?