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The Amazing Adventures of the Procrastinator

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s… the Procrastinator!? Wherever there’s injustice, he isn’t there. Whenever there is suffering, he doesn’t care. Wherever liberty is threatened, you won’t find… the Procrastinator. Behold, for he is the king of procrastination.

Like every other superhero that experiences some kind of shock or trauma , Procrastinators abilities came not from a bite of a radioactive spider or accidental spill of radioactive substances, his powers came to existence by innocently tasting a sip of fermented grape juice (or maybe it was fermented wheat; nobody really remember the events of that night very well). The next morning he woke up with a terrible headache, and a “superpower” to discover later. Until today, modern science failed to explain the effects of this mysterious drink and the real effects it had on our prospective “superhero’s” body and mind. But he was sure that he gained some special abilities (after losing some, of course). All of his worries went away; now he could relax and watch TV for the entire day, and not worry about his crazy pre-med homework. This mysterious drink turned him from an extraordinary overachiever to a guy who just doesn’t care! It was awesome! No more stress; no more worries; just the day to be enjoyed.

Unlike other superheroes, he didn’t even have to think about a fancy uniform. He was already wearing it: college t-shirt, plaid pajamas and flip-flops. But what are his superpowers? Ah, the discovery so charming, he couldn’t believe his own eyes. As he was lying on the couch one Thursday afternoon, doing absolutely nothing, by chance remembered his assignments for the next day. A big test in Organic Chemistry followed by four weeks worth of homework and an eight page paper in Humanities Honors. Well, you know, thought the Procrastinator, since I was doing nothing the entire week, I can give it a try. He went to the basement of library, and wrote half of his paper. After that he, continued with the study of weird geometric figures of O-Chem and doing the homework simultaneously. He wasn’t finished by 2:00am in the morning (the time when library closes). Well, he thought, I might just as well get a good sleep, and wake up at 7:00am; and so he did, by continuing to read the complicated chapters. He skipped his psychology class. His skills in judging things improved drastically (next time he was going to skip chemistry for typing his psychology paper).

After taking the exam in organic chemistry, he went to his workplace, where he had two hours of hard working; but you can guess how he spent them! He used that time to continue writing his humanities paper. Everything went good, until the point where he accidentally deleted his entire paper that he just wrote (well, every super ability comes with its stupid counterpart). He had only four hours until the deadline, and no chance of recovering the deleted paper. He had to stat it all from the beginning. After four hours, and all bunch of technical problems (with printer mainly), he managed to hand in the paper only 2 minutes before the deadline.

He did it, he actually did it! He discovered the possession of his exceptional superpowers. He managed to do all of his homework in the last minute, just like a superhero. From that day on, he was a superhero, and his name was the Procrastinator, king of procrastination, with superpowers that allowed him doing and finishing his homework at the last minute. He was invincible. Well, all he needed was an enemy to fight; but the enemy was already there, it was called: “The System”. From that day on, he swore on concentrating all of his powers on fighting against “The System”. But, on the other thought, he just postponed it, at least until next weekend… At this very moment, he is fighting “the System” with what he calls “passive resistance” by lying on his couch, doing absolutely nothing.

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Artrit Bytyçi, or Titi, attended Graceland University between 2002 and 2006, during which time he wrote his "Titi's College Journal" column for "Tower", the University's newspaper.

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