An Innocent Insight into Forbidden Fruit in Liquid Form

(This article is “pure” “fiction”, and doesn’t portray opinions of Tower or its staff members, as such it holds only entertainment values, and under no circumstances should it be used for illegal instructive purposes of any kind)

It’s nearly approaching my second thanksgiving in America, and I’m still getting surprised from day to day by interesting things one sees and experiences here. One thing I always found intriguing but never quite understood is that nearly everybody (figuratively speaking) seems to drink regardless of the drinking age being 21. Furthermore, in spite of the fact that a big number of people drink, there still is a group of people who won’t admit that this kind of phenomenon even exists. Let’s hope that until the end of my college career, I will come with a satisfactory answer to my questions, but for the moment, I will just stick to the good old Galilean techniques, i.e. just observe and collect facts.

Since I just can’t resist making hypothesis, here are some concerned with the reasons why students drink (according to their academic status). Freshmen drink out of pressure for trying to be cool and blend in with the new environment. They try and earn upper classmen’s respect by showing them their drinking and puking abilities. Sophomores drink because after one year of college they changed, “broadening” their horizons in the way of seeing the world from different perspective. Here you will find people who were against alcohol all their lives, drinking a glass or two occasionally just for the sake of culture and customs. Juniors drink because of the stress they experience with their classes. “What other ways are there in a little place like this for stress relief during boring weekends?” is their motto. Seniors drink only because they were drinking throughout their entire college carrier, and now they can’t stop no matter what.

Somebody reading this article would ask: where do all these people drink then? Well, different people drink at different places. If you are 21 and/or over you drink at the Bar (which is always kind of fun, because you can enjoy getting into fights in which you rarely remember the motive that started them). On the other hand, people under 21 frequent different “houses” (we will talk about them in a moment). Then, there are streets of Lamoni, for those dumb enough to get caught by “Lamoni Law Enforcement Agency”. Risktakers prefer parking lots; while those who are brave enough drink in their dorm rooms. As they say: “when there’s a will, there’s always a way!”

I find it funny how people find different ways for entertainment in a place like this. Parties are generally held in private houses, which according to my observations, I would characterize in the following way. Party house is a place where all the girls you like hang out. Keg House is the one where there’s free beer from the keg for everyone. BOB House is the one where you have to bring your own beer. This one sucks for people who are used to drink for free. There’s no chance that you are going to get a drink, no matter how innocent and altruistic that one girl looks; nothing’s free nowadays. “Insert-name-of-the-sport” House is the one where athletes of a certain sport gather to drink their worries. Wannabe House is a new party place, still not popular enough for people to visit it regularly. Small Social Gathering House is the place where people who are not supposed to drink hang out.

Every house has different “rules” for entertainment while being drunk. Some keep track of drunken thoughts of their mates, compiling endless lists of their drunken quotes. Others play videogames when drunk; they say it’s a totally different experience. Others prefer to go and play drunken soccer or drunken golf, depending on the sport they fancy. Well, I must say that entertainment depends on which dunk stereotype category one falls into. There are philosophical drunks, who just like talking for hours about complex issues. Creative drunks are the ones who get inspired and write poems. Angry drunks are always ready for a fight. Funny drunks are just funny and they make fun of the “puke-all-over-the-place drunks”. Melancholy drunks are crying over their lost love, while miserable drunks are just depressing to be around. The last, but not the least, there is the designated driver, who just watches all these characters, and makes sure they arrive alive in their rooms. At least he/she is aware of is what really going on; what about you?

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Artrit Bytyçi, or Titi, attended Graceland University between 2002 and 2006, during which time he wrote his "Titi's College Journal" column for "Tower", the University's newspaper.

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