The Meaning of Life and Other Weird Theories

Ah, I just like college life; you sleep, you eat, you drink, you procrastinate, you turn in papers, and sometimes, if you are awake enough, you may learn something. I just like the morning classes; I am always at least 5 minutes late. Not only am I late, but half asleep as well, because I don’t drink coffee in the mornings. I have this weird theory that if your drink coffee, since it is a kind of a drug, you will end up increasing the amount as days pass, until the point where you become one of the people who own one of those super sized mugs, and take it with you whenever you go. I don’t know, but I just might be a little bit too paranoid.

As I was half asleep in one of my morning classes, I heard the professor explain something, and it made sense. People, I am proud to present you with the meaning of life; I’m not joking. Thanks to my superb thinking, I came up with the simplified version of my theory represented in a universal language – numbers. Before you read the following lines, please sit down, if you are standing, stop the car engine if you are driving, and turn the music down, because you may experience increased brain activity. The meaning of life is a simple ratio of 53%-47% (where 53% represents good things and 47% represents bad things). Ok, you may continue driving now; because the risk of brain collapse has ended (I have no idea who would be reading Tower while driving). As you can see my friends, your life is but a set of numbers. Everyday, you fight to keep the dynamic equilibrium as stabile as possible trying to get good things and avoid bad things. Let’s get an example to illustrate my theory. Let’s say you have a paper due for Friday; you don’t care, and decide to procrastinate until Thursday (you got something good); you realize that it is Thursday, and that you must write your paper, otherwise you will get a bad grade, so you frustrate little bit about it (get something bad), and start typing the paper (avoid good time of procrastination), in order not to get a bad grade (avoiding something bad). If this doesn’t make sense, and confuses the hell out of you, its okay, you will get it eventually; just keep in mind the magical numbers 53-47. (Sources for my discovery: morning Intro to Psych class, couple of weeks ago).

Now let me tell you something about this other theory of mine. I like to call it “Titi’s theory of campus time relativity”, according to which, there are ripples in space time continuum surrounding Graceland’s entire campus, resulting in different “time-zones” in different parts of campus. This can be proven by observing different clocks around campus, at the same time: they all show different times (some are 5 minutes ahead, while others are 5 minutes late). Furthermore, since clocks that we have are atomic clocks and are supposed to automatically set themselves, we can say that they all show the right time, and that it is the fault of the deformation in space-time that is causing all the trouble. This would be the reason why I always am 5 minutes late for my morning classes; they are all located in different “relative campus time frames”. There is only one solution to the problem: Instead of trying to set the clocks themselves, we have to remodel the entire space-time continuum, so that all of the clocks match each other. In this way, we not only solve the problem, but we contribute to future generations, who will never have to work about setting their “atomic” clocks again.

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Artrit Bytyçi, or Titi, attended Graceland University between 2002 and 2006, during which time he wrote his "Titi's College Journal" column for "Tower", the University's newspaper.

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