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Anthology of Cheating: 101 Ways to Ace your Final Exam and More

(Note: The following stories are fictional, and are meant for entertainment purposes only. Under no circumstance, neither when failing nor when passing a class, should there be any attempt to imitate them in real life.)

Doing nearly 14 years of school makes you a professional exam or test taker. I still remember my first attempt of sharing information, as it was yesterday. I was in first grade, and we were studying addition and subtraction during our math class. I and my bench friend (back home students sit two by two in benches) finished all of our “difficult” math problems; all except the last one. Oh, man, what could the result of eight minus five be? Aha, it’s three. We handed our papers, all excited. Waiting for our results, we were praising our superior intelligence. Next time it will take even less effort. The long awaited time for the results came. This would prove to us that we were way too advanced for the first grade, and that we need to be in university, studying rocket science or medicine. And then, our illusions were lost in the shock of the failing grade. How was this possible?  How could they have possibly known? Well, I guess first graders can’t really tell the difference between a number three and some kind of symbol that looked just like an inverted number three. What really happened is that one of us got the actual answer to the math question, but instead of writing it normally, the number was written as if viewed in a mirror. That was when I and my friend decided that we are not ready for university yet. There was still to be learned in the art of cheating exams.

As we would progress through classes, also our techniques would get more sophisticated. From using primitive tools and up to applying modern technology in practice, the cheating as an art evolved. A lot of methods were proven successful, and in this way they may work even nowadays. If one has to remember a lot of short pieces of information, like history dates. The way to do that was by writing them on a tissue, and act sick for that day. In this way, when you need to retrieve the information, you sneeze, pretend to clean your nose, read the cheat, and write it down. The bad thing here is that you can’t sneeze too much, and that the amount of information is limited.

Another method proven to be successful is to write short math formulas on your palm. If one decides to use this method, he/she should make sure that they don’t raise their “cheat hand” when asking the professor a question, in this way, giving away their secret, and failing the exam without even starting it.

If you are a girl, it’s nice if you wear a skirt that day. Writing cheats on your thighs and covering them with the skirt always works if you are brave enough. Scientific studies conducted so far show that there is no professor that will actually look for cheats inside your skirt.

On the other hand, studies have shown that certain techniques are not effective and wont work at all in cheating. One of the worst cheating ideas ever is the high-school sophomore one, where the entire class pretends that there is somebody’s birthday, and that there are free drinks for everyone, while teacher’s drink should contain valium. If you really try to do this, make sure that valium tablets are entirely dissolved in soda, and that there are no blue floating particles, otherwise, your teacher will politely decline, wish you a happy birthday, and continue with the exam. So long for the plan where you wait for five minutes for the teacher to fall asleep so you can copy your brain off.

There is a lot of theoretical work in the field called “steal the exam”, but there is no record of any success. Basically, you need a group of at least eight people composed of: a mastermind, a lock-picker, a computer hacker, a moral support person, a couple of guards, and of course a genius for that school subject you are trying to ace an exam. While the entire group is supposed to be able to brake in the professors office, hack his/her computer, and get out of there unnoticed, without leaving any trail, the genius has to spend at least two or three house figuring out the answers for all of the questions.

Having to go to school for more that 14 years has taught me the best techniques in the field of acing final exams. The technique is called “study hard” and was proved to be the most reliable and the safest in achieving best results with suffering the minimal consequences.  It was proven 100 percent fool proof, and results are guaranteed. Good luck with your exams!

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Artrit Bytyçi, or Titi, attended Graceland University between 2002 and 2006, during which time he wrote his "Titi's College Journal" column for "Tower", the University's newspaper.

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